walking home

I don't know if i was inspired or anxious but i hand wrote 12 pages in in my notebook on the bus ride to Connecticut and then on the way back i wrote 14 pages about how visits home have a way of giving you perspective of your life.
I intended to come back to my apartment and write even more but i guess greyhound got all my creative energy. I don't think i will read what wrote for a while. For now i will just be content to believe i was struck by divine inspiration and had written some of my best , most sincere work.

Tonight is one of those warm summer nights that you don't want to come inside from . if i had a fire escape i would be sitting on it all night , just feeling the breeze. I wish i could go on my rooftop. i would bring an air mattress up there and put my satin sheets on it and sleep listening to the Spanish music playing in the building across the way. Pretending i was in Barcelona.

I got on the subway on 14th street even though there is a C train on 37th right by where i am working right now. i got off the subway 2 stops too soon so i could meander through the streets enjoying the last nights of summer. i had wished for so much to happen this summer.

It did not go anything like i had planned. I did not get my apprenticeship, i slept through my opportunities, i didn't go to Alaska, didn't have a summer love, i didn't go to burning man with Kanta or LA with Nicole, i didn't finish my application for the Peace Corp or finish my collection of paintings for my fellowship application.
once the apprenticeship fell through my confidence and optimism about my opportunities took a nap. they slept in till 1 pm because they stayed up all night watching movies.

i had a few dates, a Romanian building planner who through he tried could not help but disdain American culture and made me feeling guilty for watching show like Flavor of Love. Then there was a drummer/ artist from Columbia who was young and too free spirited to enjoy sitting on the couch snuggling while watching star trek, and another flim boy whom seem so sensitive and real but again left me feeling like a colorful side character while he was the hero of his own grand narrative.

but there were victories. with the lose of my apprenticeship and prospect of a new learning opportunity . i took effort to educate myself, read more on subjects i knew nothing about, bought books on scenic art and practiced techniques i taught myself, i went to dance classes and did yoga on the regular. i took photos nearly everyday and wrote every day. i even got typing software to improve my typing. I attended museum lectures. I started going to scientific forums at the natural history museum and human right discussion groups library. I went to every free movie, show, lecture, book reading, whatever that i could this summer.

I didn't get many things that i wanted this summer, but i have learned though a series of event recently that in my life i have not often felt like i got what i wanted but rarely have not gotten what i needed. it time to end my opportunities to feel sorry for myself. it been far too long holding on to the convenience of feeling disadvantaged. i am grown woman. there really not much holding me back but myself these days.

on the walk home i passed the Baptist church with it front door open wide to let in the summer breeze while the choir practice to empty pews. I stopped for a while and stood by the open door just looking at the face of the joyous spiritual woman. they sang with such sincerity. i didn't feel like i was intruding , you cannot sing like that an not except to share it.
Its garbage day. outside the housing project someone had disguarded these wall panels of wall with amazing textured wall paper on them. Not once but twice i peeled a piece off in one whole piece. it was such a satisfying feeling. a simple pleasure. I don't know what i intend for these scraps but i am excited by there possibility.